We will believe the report of the Lord over the report from the doctor this week.

Last Thursday as I was laying in bed, I slipped my hand into the top of my shirt and accidentally found a strange lump.   A large lump.  About the size of a quarter.

I didn’t sleep much that night, nor did I share my discovery with anyone, especially since I had an OB appointment scheduled for the very next day.  Instead, I spent most of the night on google–I know…bad idea–and thought about my mom.  She had endured a double mastectomy three years earlier.  I shared with hubby the next day.

When I showed Dr. G, he suggested I have a sonogram right away and one was scheduled for next Tuesday.  I didn’t think or discuss it much over the weekend…except in private with God.  Tuesday came quickly and at 8:00 am sharp we had a sonogram.  The sweet radiologist told me she was “concerned” and that she would schedule a needle biopsy for the very next day since I was pregnant and time should not be wasted.  I wasn’t sure what that meant but I made sure to call a few, trusted, mature women in the Lord whom I knew to be “prayer warriors” and then I put it all out of my mind.

For the needle biopsy, I brought in one of the masks I wear to go to sleep. Hubby says it looks like like a bra for my eyes, so we call it my “eye-bra.”

I chose not to watch any of the procedure. I’m most relaxed when I don’t know what is going on or what to expect. The doctor and technician laughed at my eye-bra, which I put on immediately.  I began to pray quietly while they worked for 15 minutes.  It hurt a bit when they numbed my breast with lidocaine but nothing major after that, except for the loud stapling sounds as they removed tissue from my breast.  After, we went to Walgreens to buy Tylenol, which I never take, but the numbed area started to hurt shortly after.

Two days later, on Friday, May 12th, the results were read to us by a breast surgeon we had never met.  Dr. S. didn’t have the lab reports right away, which was a bit stressful but since we really did not expect any bad news, we remained calm as we waited.

When Dr. S returned, the first thing he said was, “Well,  I have the report and it’s not good.”  He sat on his stool, opened the file, looked me in the eye and said, “It looks like stage two cancer.”   What?!!  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  Words followed such as needing an MRI, having NYU or Sloan Kettering handle, setting up a team to consult with, seeing an oncologist, and even deciding to deliver the baby at 36 weeks! I remember that I couldn’t stop the silent, angry tears that were flowing down my cheeks.  My only question was:  “Will I be able to breastfeed?”  Honestly, I already knew the answer.  No.  But it hurt so deeply to hear it confirmed.

Joey and I have been preparing for Noah’s delivery with such fervency.  We obtained a doula (birth coach) who is also our friend and sister-in-the-Lord; we’ve taken weeks of natural birthing classes with a natural birth educator that has over 25 years of experience; we purchased a birthing ball which I bounced on for weeks before bedrest; we read up on the Bradley Method and we prepared to breastfeed!  Grr!!!  I’m so angry!! There’s nothing I’ve looked forward to more than the comfort and benefits of breastfeeding!  Devil, you are in such trouble!

We were so shocked by the news that we left the office right away.  We forgot to get copies of my reports, an Rx for an MRI, and we even forgot to pay the co-pay.  We just weren’t thinking straight.  Of course, we returned shortly after.

I cried on the way to the car.  I cried in the car.  I cried as I listened to my husband tell me that we needn’t fear because we serve a mighty God who would never leave us nor forsake us.  I cried even though I knew he was right.  And I wailed with grief when we spoke to our trusted Reverend D and then our doula who assured us that the baby would be fine, all while I let my tearful anger out.

My flesh was weak but my spirit was strong, and I said so.  I knew my trust and security in Christ assured me that Noah and I would be fine–but I was mad as heck that this challenge had been brought to me especially when this pregnancy had been so difficult already.

The truth is the devil has already been defeated.  He can’t have my baby and he knows this!  Noah is a miracle under God’s protection, so he has to attack me to frustrate me, which he has done since the beginning of this pregnancy but…

I serve a great and mighty God who fights my battles for me!  And my God will “show up” and “show off!”

We have an army of prayer warriors bombarding heaven on our behalf.  No, seriously, an ARMY!!  I have no fear or worry about the outcomes of this trial, but for the moment my flesh is grieving–for myself, for our Noah, for my adoring husband, my friends and family, and my mom and mother-in-law, in particular, because they are both breast cancer survivors who are simply devastated by this!

But God is so awesome.  Looking back now, I can see God’s hand in this trial and how He was preparing me for this all week.  In my quiet time, God had been sending me many messages and scriptures.  He even sent me a non-believing friend with a gift that said, “Miracles are for those that believe.”  He reminded me of Job’s faithfulness and trust.  And how my surrender to God was the greatest miracle of all.  I even thought to myself that “why me?” was not the right question but “Why not me?”  Who am I to question the master of the universe who has given me so much?  He’s given me my salvation, my freedom from mental illness, an eternal home in his kingdom, a loving husband who is a strong man of God, and a baby at 45–which I never in a million years imagined was possible!

Jesus Christ is in the miracle making business!

The very next day, my husband took out post-its to write scriptures and place them all over the house.  He is such a loving, God fearing man–that’s a separate post for another time.  Then, he got really creative and took one of my chalk markers and started to write on our walls!  That picture above is of one of our walls.  Many more pics to come!

So, let me leave you with this.  These are lyrics to an amazing worship song called: Whose Report Shall You Believe?

Whose report will you believe?
We shall believe the report of the Lord
Whose report will you believe?
We shall believe the report of the Lord

His report says I am healed.
His report says I am filled.
His report says I am free.
His report says victory.

Amen!  By His stripes, I Am Healed.  I am filled with His Holy Spirit! I am free of an eternity of damnation.  And I am a victorious overcomer!

In love, trust, and faith in Christ,

Liz